Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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