Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize