I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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