I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
