dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
