If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
