just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize