How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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