i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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