Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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