first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize