No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize