if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When are your genitals available?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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