How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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