God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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