I feel like abortions should bother me more
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
