I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
