did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
