Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
