I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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