you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He passed out mid-signature
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
