The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
