Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
