I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
