Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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