You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
