onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
