if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
