you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
