Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
