Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
