I'm jealous of your bromance
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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