after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize