I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize