..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
