Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
