we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
