I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
