are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize