Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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