He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
