3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
