capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
