I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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