It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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