i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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