My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
