Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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