new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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