You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
