I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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