Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
