My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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