don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
