I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
