He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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