My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize