Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
