Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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