My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
