I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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