I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
