My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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